Let me explain to you how someone so deep into the pop-culture our nation is emerged in can thoroughly enjoy shows like The Simple Life, Real World, Newlyweds, and Rich Girls and yet completely despise Ashlee Simpson.
It’s actually quite simple – “Ashlee” as this little strumpet’s show is aptly named is the most contrived reality show ever – a feat that should not be over looked in the history of television. In a genre where the whole concept is to keep recycling a formula, this piece of shit really goes above and beyond reality. From the confessionals this idiot gives, to the stupid shit that happens to her in “real life,” you can almost smell the rat producers cooking up more “confrontation” for our little starlet to happen upon. Where to start?
How about the “boyfriend.” This little bitch and her “punk-rock” geek amazingly realize there is a sexual attraction between them during this wannabe male Avril Lavigne’s video shoot. All of a sudden these two 19-year olds who have been best friends forever or something clichéd shit like that, make out. And when Jackoff (isn’t that his name?) does something that is less than right the arguments make Nick and Jess come off like a presidential debate.
Which brings me to the fucking bitches voice. Gravely and yet high pitched at the same time she “doesn’t want to be like her sister.” Well dummy, a reality show on MTV directly after your sister’s show on the same network, doesn’t exactly bode well for the whole “I’m blazing a new fucking trail” spiel.
The recording sessions, which take up about 5 minutes of every show, which I assume is what the whole thing is supposed to be about, are painful and repetitive. How many times can we watch her fuck up “uh huuuuh?” And then there is the idiot producer who is so starved for work that he’s humoring this “artist.” And in case you missed the theme, they are soooooo close! Fuck both of them.
Fuck her punk rock boyfriend. Fuck anyone in my age group that’s on television. (Except Ally Hilfiger...I still love Ally.)
If you want to be the anti-Jessica Simpson you missed the fucking boat. Her name was Avril Lavigne and we’re already sick of her. She’s the anti-pop pop icon. Like Frankie, she’s too punk rock for you. So dye your hair whatever fucking color you think makes you an “individual.”
Why am I writing like I’m actually talking to this girl? Odd how voice can change so quickly, eh? Well, I think I’m done venting about this poor girl. After all, don’t all younger siblings just want to move out from the shadow of big brother or sister? It’s a curse and here I am chastising the girl for doing what every other little goes through. What a callus prick I am. Shame on me.
Oh well…I still hope a circus bear attacks her. Not a wild bear. I’m talking about an enslaved bear who faces the humiliation of wearing a stupid hat and riding a tricycle every day. You know, a really pissed off at the world mother fucking bear. Until next time… stay punk rock everybody.