Monday, July 19, 2004

Justin was a stimulator...

I live with a very patriotic American. His name is Justin Hadley and he is very patriotic in case you missed the previous sentence. Let me explain to you how Justin is the kind of forward thinking individual that is making the Bush Whitehouse a formidable opponent to any liberal thinking group who wishes to have a semi-competent person in charge of our nation.

Before I delve further I must apologize to my good friend Brian. I realize that I do a lot of “conservative bashing.” However as a quasi-journalist/wannabe lampooner of current events it is my job… neigh… my duty to stab at those who are in power. Once John Kerry is inaugurated in January, I will begin my campaign to find a replacement for him. The point is Brian, in a two-party system where only the most intense nitpicking can help one to distinguish between one side of the political divide and the other, we are forced with the responsibility of picking the lesser of two evils.
My point is – I can’t really go back to middle of the road independent until after we’ve got Bush back in Texas and the troops back in America. Unfortunately, those two are one and the same. The chicken or the egg? Apples and apples. We can’t have one without the other and I’m sure that most everyone left of the median will agree with that.
So until 2005 the best I can do for you is Dick Gephardt jokes and they aren’t too funny. Here I’ll give you an example:

How many Gephardt supporters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It’s a trick question - Unless they pay somebody to hold the ladder for his wife it can’t be done.

Now back to Mr. America a.k.a. Justin Hadley. Recently Justin got a job at the Coffee Beanery in Crossgates Mall (Motto: Suppressing the First Amendment rights of shoppers since 2002).
I was sitting in the living room watching SPORTSCENTER mentally preparing for work when I realized how intigral Justin Hadley was to President Bush’s plan to save America. Those of you who have memories that hold more information that various Chris Jericho quotes from I Love The 90’s know that GWB encouraged Americans to get out and spend to stimulate the economy. This is after all, how we will beat the terrorists – pre-ripped jeans from Abercrombie and chairs that massage your balls from Brookstone.
The moral of the story is this, Justin as an employee of the Coffee Beanery provides energy producing caffeinated beverages to loyal Americans trying to stimulate the economy on the advice of our president.
He is therefore, a Economy Stimulator Stimulator. The uber-American! He’s the guy that stretches out gymnasts before the floor routine. He is the fluffer on the porno set.

So ladies and gentlemen - that is what’s up with the economic recovery. So thank you, Justin Hadley. John Ashcroft shall sing you a beautiful song, my friend. Perhaps a Bruce Springsteen joint. Something truly patriotic.

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