Thursday, August 26, 2004

Metallica, Tranquility, Red Sox Pity,

A couple of notes and a little news.
Obviously right now, the most exciting thing in my life is that METALLICA IS COMING TO THE PEPSI! Since I saw “Albany show added” I’ve had little else on my mind.
I know, I’ll go right back to my Dungeons and Dragons after the concert.
Fucking Metallica, dude. Metallica are Gods. Musical, little-guy-not-looking-out-for, Gods, but who gives a fuck? Godsmack is opening for them. Godsmack is the opening band. Godsmack is a huge band, which just goes to show you how big Metallica is. Not many groups have that kind of stature. The Stones, Metallica, Dylan…who else? Not even Hasslehof has that kind of drawing power.
School is starting Monday. I’ve already written half a semester’s articles for the piece of shit Chronicle. This being my last semester I would really like to tear everybody a new asshole, but I’ve found myself more and more passive recently. Perhaps it’s the PS2. I guess Saint Rose can thank John Madden and the nice people at EA Sports (It’s in the game) for my lack of general disgust with the population – mostly because I never leave my house to experience these people, but why bother with semantics.
I just took a look at this thing and it’s been over a month since I “blogged.” I don’t know if its because blogs are super gay and it took me two months to come to terms or because I’m just a fat lazy jackass. Little bit of column A – little bit of column B.
I was all ready to go off on why I thought the Yankees and Red Sox should die, but that was back during the Yanks/Sox series. Now a month later they aren’t playing and the media has gone back to really not giving much of a shit about the Red Sox, which is nice. The fucking Yankees are still everywhere, but what are you going to do? With a Republican government we’ll never be rid of those baseball fat cats. What we need here is a middle of the road candidate who will phase out the Yankees which will leave the Red Sox and their fans no reason to continue on with their hollow lives. What I mean to say is, without the Yankees the Red Sox fans would have nothing to obsess about. It’s kind of like the nerdy guy who has a huge crush on the hottest girl in school. In the movies he might stand a chance, but in real life, he’s never going to get to fuck her. All that obsession so that he can jerk off. Which is essentially what the Red Sox do come autumn. Then the Red Sox have renewed optimism while they bitch about how the series was stolen/blown/given away. No matter what happens, the next day all these jackass Sox fans are wandering around with their tails between their legs and yet still saying “We’re going to kick the Yankee’s Asses next year.” They really are an odd species that should be studied. Red Sox fans are Jews-during-Hitler oppressed. The only difference is that some of the Jews survived. No Red Sox fan will ever see the end of this incredible streak of ineptitude, only broken up by flashes of competence that do nothing more than raise hopes up a little higher before sending them crashing to the ground like Dick Van Dyke over the goddamn ottoman. (If you have read a better mixed and twisted metaphor anywhere in the last 7 years, I’ll give you a fucking dollar.)
Another issue that I brought up in my last post was the Lindsay Lohan thing. I hope its soon, but I don’t think I could marry her. She’s a party girl and all – which is cool. However, she’s currently dating Fez – which is Rebecca Romaijn-Stamos confusing. I need a nice girl, like Hilary Duff or Ally Hilfiger.
That is six celebrity references in one paragraph, which is about 4 more than is FDA approved. Honestly, when I start writing a fucking MSNtertainment Gossip column its time to get a fucking life, no?

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

I don't know what this is, but I apparently wrote it

Does anyone else think its coincidence that William Hung disappeared from the face of the earth just as another “artist” entered our lives? Ashlee Simpson arrived at a very convenient time don’t you think? I do. I think its part conspiracy and part pity.
Just as one horrible act falls from the public eye another rises to prominence. While I despise whoever is in charge of whatever leads to this shit, I also have to thank them. If Ashlee Simpson were to be on television at the same time as Willia… Fuck. I can’t even bring myself to put both their names in the same sentence. If they were to appear on TV at the same time I would probably throw something through the television. I’m just guessing the timing is to deter mass suicide in the MTV viewing populous.

Has anyone seen Brooke Hogan? You might have caught her on VH1’s Inside (Out) : Hulk Hogan, Stage Dad. Now Brooke Hogan – there’s a woman! She’s hot and yet off limits to little queers like Aaron Carter! Why? Because Hulk Hogan would break his fucking face, that’s why! Carter, who has been in the public eye for years, seemed like an akward little kid around the Hogan family! He seemed like the pimply little fuck that he is!

Personally I think that the Hulkster needs to kick the ass of Jessica and Ashlee’s dad. That jerk is giving Nick Leche shit? All the shit Nick has to put up with and you’re not being cool as hell to the poor boy? As long as Nick Leche never roots for either the Yankees or Red Sox, I will always have respect for him. He’s a guy’s guy. So what if he’s a semilebrity.

And after Hulk Hogan kicks Mr. Simpson’s ass, we can get rid of Ashlee completely and then fire Ryan Cabrera out of a cannon towards Puerto Rico. He’s going to be in the Capital Region next week (August 10, 2004) on a Dutch Apple Cruise! How do you like that? It’s going to be part of a “Oysters and Pearls Party” and Fly 92 is going to be there hosting! I hope that means he made to eat prairie oysters and given a pearl necklace by Brian Cody or some totally demeaning shit like that.

You know, I’ve just realized that if by some stroke of luck I ever get famous – and someone who had suffered a stroke would have to be involved in whatever decision process made me famous – I might actually have to deal with these people in person. I think I had better find some bigger friends. Not that I’m altogether worried about Aaron Carter or Ryan Cabrera, but what if the Mr. Hogan took offense to my calling his daughter a “babe?” Shit, man.
I think I’ll run down to Clinton Avenue after work today and enlist a proper entourage in the case that I do get famous. If I can’t find any takers, I’ll just buy some crack. No matter what, I’m going to leave in better shape than I went in!

Tuesday, August 03, 2004


Okay. It’s been what? A week since I last put anything up? Something like that. I feel kind of bad because I know my many readers (Lauren) are probably salivating at the thought of more rantings and I’m here sitting on my thumbs (awkward yet sitting on the arm of a couch interesting at the same time) while you wait for me to post something. I’m sorry for keeping you waiting.

I don’t really have anything to “say” as it were, but I still feel the blog must go on. “For the kids,” as The Who would persuade me to do. So without further ado, some random shit for the sake of random shit.

I haven’t heard anyone speculate, on or elsewhere about Smarty Jones' recent retirement and what the real story is. Personally, I think this past year’s triple-crown threat was inspired by close friend Rickey Williams recent retirement. Was it Smarty Jones' “injury” that forced his retirement or is it because he too, wanted to be put out to pasture with all the green grass?

Keeping with the horse racing theme, Ben, Finegan, and myself went to the track Sunday. Nobody made any money, but I almost won on a 23-1 shot losing by half a horse. Fuck Saratoga. I take back all the shit I wrote in CRL about the “ambiance.” The ambiance at Saratoga is summed up in a bunch of people, overdressed for the weather sweating balls. I’m working on a new tagline for the Saratoga…SARATOGA…commercials. Here’s something off the top of my head:

It is now post time
And Party time!
Time for breakfast in a crowded grandstand…
And 6 dollar beers in the scorching sun…
You’ve blown your paycheck…
Now its time to leave…

Either way, I want to go back next week. I think I’ve developed a gambling problem, but hey, why not go for the triple crown of addiction? One final note on Saratoga: The women are amazing. I could hardly drink my 9 dollar beer while dragging my jaw around all afternoon. And the fucking car show of Benz, Jag, Caddy…Maybe the best I could do was Ben and Mike because I’m driving a 94 Buick and had to park on somebody’s fucking lawn.

Seriously though, what the fuck is Lindsay Lohan doing with Fez? Fuck man, FEZ! I need to get famous fast! I want to be married to and divorced from that girl by 24. Once I’ve got money and a flippin’ sweet ride, I’m going to roll up to Saratoga with LL and bet 100 bucks on every long shot all damn day long. I’ll miss the breakfast on enchanted mornings because I’ll be busy serving Lindsay breakfast in bed.