Tuesday, November 09, 2004

My Election Diary

Well, due to Nashville, Tennessee, there will be no Chronicle this week. SOOOO, here's the column I wanted to put in. It wouldnt seem so time-ish if I waited another week. Coming soon, The Big Trip.

12:05am – It’s time to go to bed. I’m tired and there is a big day ahead. This is going to be a real big day. Bigger than when the Red Sox beat the Yankees. Bigger than...(thought process interrupted by shiney object in corner)

7:36am – Something on my radio woke me up. I’m not sure what it was, but it made me angry. Nothing should interrupt the generic rap-rock montage on 103.1 in the morning. It wakes me up. Will John Kerry get rid of commercials the way the Bush administration has tried to rid the airwaves of a constitutional right? Only time will tell…

9:00am – The awful alarm clock went off. It’s time to start my day off right. This is after all, going to be the day where America collectively gives George W. Bush a boot in the hindquarters the way only Toby Keith could eloquently describe.

9:02am – After a quick stop in the bathroom, (I thought I’d spare you that journal entry.) I walk down the stairs and hear noise in the living room. It was Brian my crazy conservative-Republican roommate watching Fox News. Justin was sitting idly by letting this happen. Every time I see Justin being brainwashed by Brian or Fox News (both of which are menaces to society) a small part of me dies.

9:04am – I enter the kitchen to prepare an egg and cheese sandwich, or as I like to call it...(damn shiney objects)

9:12am – I sit down with my breakfast next to Brian and watch Dick Cheney cast his vote in Wyoming. Certain questions pop into my mind: Why is he voting in Wyoming? Is Wyoming a swing state? Shouldn’t he be voting in D.C. or something? Is he there to personally supervise the operation that will ensure that the one black guy in all Wyoming doesn’t get to vote? Is he there to show the Wyoming Republican’s he’s a "hands-on" evil genius? Why is he taking such a long time in there? What is he doing? Is giving his evil little side-of-the-mouth cackle at the Democrats of Wyoming? Is that a box of Malomars under the couch? Are there any left? Do I really need to shower before work today? What’s on MTV right now? More importantly, what’s on VH1 Classic?

9:18am – Justin and Brian left the living room and I was able to regain my rightful control over the remote. On MTV XZibit is telling us to get out of Iraq and into Selma. This is part of the Vote Or Die thing. I just put my foot through the television. I hate P. Diddy.

9:30am – Shower time! You should have seen the comical away message I put up! Ha ha! Wait, here it is: “Showering for democracy.” God, where do I come up with this stuff?

9:52am – Time to walk to work. There’s a bum picking through the garbage. There’s somebody asking me for a quarter. Are these two voting?

10:01am – I arrived at work a single minute late to keep my Days Late streak alive. I actually stopped outside and waited for the clock to turn. My record 47 days in a row late continues. I feel like Randy Moss.

10:03am – I settled into my chair for a long day of nothing. I check the internet to see what the latest political analysis is. Fox News has declared decisive victories for Bush in swing states where polling has either (a) not started, or (b) been open for less than 5 minutes. I find it refreshing to see a news organization that doesn’t get bogged down by details and such.

10:26am – Since I’ve been up for well over an hour now, I need a large amount of caffeine. Snaking a big cup of Mountain Dew is the only answer. I leave my computer confident that the right votes are being cast as polls open around the nation.

11:38am – For the first time I hear the word “shenanigans” used by a political analyst. It is used in a story about Michael Moore putting video cameras in Ohio and Florida polling places to ensure Republicans aren't up to their dirty tricks.

Noon – I turn on Green Day’s American Idiot and get depressed. I’m depressed because I can feel the loss in the air. I understand that the odds facing democracy are almost insurmountable. As a nation we were given a choice between two men whose differences are not essentially different. We’ve been given a choice between George W. Bush and John “Anybody-but-Bush” Kerry. The fact that Kerry is nothing more than a default challenger is disheartening to say the least. As I watched the debates unfold on television I witnessed John Kerry be matched and even outspoken in some eyes by a president who is by consensus, a poor public speaker. The cream of the Democratic crop only gets votes because he is a Democrat – not because he is the choice the people whom he supposedly represents.

1:30pm – I go home and make myself a couple of sandwiches before I settle down for a couple hours of Tony Hawk Underground 2. Most people are taking their breaks to vote today. Not I. I cast my absentee ballot weeks ago for my man Ralph Nadar. The only wasted vote is one not cast and I stand by my choice. Without a viable third-party candidate we are doomed to face default opposing views for the rest of our lives as the “right” and “left” further blur as they slide towards a generic middle. We’re headed towards a day where the only difference between Democrat and Republican is the color of their ties. God forbid politicians have a thought any more liberal than, “Sure, free speech is important, but does it need to be that free?”

2:03pm – I end fifteen minutes of frustration by finally landing one of Bam’s 50 point challenges.

2:34pm – Perturbed with not being able to figure out how to get “rocket air,” I take a break to write the following about the cafeteria: “We went to dinner last Saturday in the cafeteria to enjoy some of the wondrous RFoC that we’ve so sorely missed now that we’ve moved off campus. As the cafeteria was closing down we were among the last to leave. We were walking towards the doors in the back when one of the cafeteria workers stopped us to offer a fresh baked pizza that would be thrown out if no one took it. We graciously accepted the pizza as it was free and we figured we could find someone to eat it. It’s not like you can walk very far on State Street without being met with a hard luck story. Anyway, as the anonymous worker was putting the pizza in plastic wrap one of the tie-wearing (this is one of those parts of the story where I wish I could go uncensored and explain just what kind of people are in charge upstairs.)
*Now that this is on the web I can actually write the words I want to without being censosred. What I meant to say was something along the lines of "fucking jerkoffs."*
...fellows walked out and asked what was going on. “No food can leave the cafeteria.” He then picked up the whole pizza and threw it in the garbage in front of our very eyes. In case you aren’t following, this phallic symbol would rather waste food than see it go to use. Even if it where going to be eaten by the students who pay – what is it? – Nine-plus (9+) dollars a meal in the cheapest meal plan. What a joke. Pathetic. I give great thanks to those who work in the cafeteria and prepare the food both behind the doors and the food stations. I think I can speak for a whole campus when I say thanks for the hard work, but (rhymes with duck) *FUCK* management.

3:55pm – I successfully land a sit-flip into an acid drop off the ramp with Paulie. Only 250 more points until I can move past Barcelona.

5:00pm – I arrive back at work to watch the election and earn a little bit of my measly paycheck.

7:00pm – Polls start to close on the East Coast. Kerry will win the first state and it’s – VERMONT! Woo-hoo! Yes! Jubilation washes over Democrats nation-wide as we captured Vermont. Oh, sweet victory! I’ve been to the mountaintop and have seen the other side! 267 electoral votes away! Yippee!

8:23pm – Since Vermont, Bush has won the next 5(?) 7(?) states. While Vermont’s big 3 electoral votes are nice and all, it might be nice if Kerry were to carry a state that actually mattered in the race. I know – call me a dreamer.

8:35pm – Shenanigans are mentioned yet again. I swear I’ll pistol-whip the next person that says shenanigans.

8:42pm – Kerry has picked up a few more states and all the networks have it about even. I call my roommate Brian to listen for worry in his voice. He uses “if” a lot and I know that the Democrats at least have those damn conservatives thinking twice.

8:43pm – I’m seeing red. The heart of the electoral map is red and the Northeast is blue. FOX has just conceded victory for George Bush in 12 more states, 3 commonwealths, Panama, and Barbara Streisand’s house. It’s something like 242 – 37 by FOX’s count. It’s basically New England versus THE REST OF AMERICA! Oh, wait, we’re going to get Hollywood and D.C. I feel like I’m watching a *fucking* Yankee game. Everybody up here is rooting for the guys in blue but in every other major market they’ve pre-empted the game for reruns of Meth and Red.

9:31pm – Done with work I make it home to find two of my roommates perched in front of FOX News. There goes a little bit more of me.

10:17pm – While flipping through channels I land on CBS where Dan Rather is accusing Richard Nixon of fixing the 2004 election. Why does Dan Rather still have a job?

11:00pm – It’s becoming increasingly clear that we’re headed for the same mess as last year. Every network has a different vote count. The main theme though – unfortunately – is a Bush lead. Take heart Bush-haters, California hasn’t been counted yet.

11:01pm – Democrats start your engines! California and its 55 electoral votes have just been counted! However, he still trails on every channel. Feel free to still start your engines, but keep the garage doors closed.

Midnight – While Bush stays up on every channel we’re still waiting for the big “strong finish” people keep saying Kerry will have.

12:30am – Somebody on FOX News just said shenanigans.

12:48am – I have officially taken to my bed. Exasperation has washed over me – if that’s even possible. Florida has been called for Bush. Ohio is the last gasp. If you open the window and stick your head out you can almost hear the death rattle of this utterly heartbreaking campaign. Do you have any idea how much money was just thrown away for this whole political theatre? Something around 5 or 6 hundred billion dollars. How many people could that have fed for a year? How many underprivileged people could have been helped? In any way. Buy the country new shoes. I’m sure if you bought in bulk Nike could give you a discount. I hate politicians. 600,000,000,000 dollars to NOT CHANGE ANYTHING! That’s eleven (11!) zeros!

12:49am – I get out of bed to start packing. I hear Canada is beautiful in the winter. I’ll ride a moose to work and not have to worry about falling off because, well, universal health care!

1:24am – I fall asleep with the television on, hoping they find some extra ballot boxes in Florida and Ohio. Anything. I don’t care. Can Mexico choose to take Texas back now? Or New Mexico.

2:30am - I wake up from my slumber hoping that somehow a bunch of ballot boxes were found floating in Lake Michigan chock full of Kerry-punches while I snoozed with the television on. No such luck. I dejectedly turn of the TV and go to bed.

8:46am – This didn’t happen. Although none of the networks will acknowledge a winner. In fact no two stations have the same electoral count. Nine hours of counting and projecting and guessing and we can’t even come to a consensus number to sit on.

9:12am - I realize that Kerry/Edwards didn’t win North Carolina. John Edwards is FROM NORTH CAROLINA! Why did Kerry pick him? Because he looks young? I was under the impression Edwards was on the ticket so that Kerry had a connection in the South. Christ, Dick Gephardt could have lost North Carolina. Kerry didn’t need Edwards help to lose North Carolina! Nadar didn’t need help losing North Carolina! What a joke! I bet Cheany delivered his home state. Let me check. Yup. He’s from Wyoming. That answers all the questions I had twenty-four hours ago.

9:30am – I’m go to my computer and e-mail this article. Next I’m going to shower and head to Wal-Mart for supplies because I’m moving to Canada. On the way there I’m going to burn down Ohio. Idiots. We pulled our weight in New York. Fuck.

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