I just drank 3 days worth of apple juice. At least that’s what the nutrition facts tell me. I don’t know if it’s the fact that last night I drank like David Wells on an off day, the fact that I haven’t had anything to eat yet or the 3 servings of apple juice I just consumed like a rabid Indian, but my stomach doesn’t feel as spec-fucking-tacular as I’d like. I’m putting my money on the apple juice. See that’s why I don’t buy into the whole “eat healthy” thing. Here I am, drinking a tasty nutritious 32-ounce bottle of AJ and suddenly my stomach feels like I took a scissor kick to the groin. Fuck healthy, I’m having Ben bring me Taco Bell for lunch. If that doesn’t coat my stomach with wonderful protection from badness then nothing will.
On a happier note, it’s Mike Finnegan’s birthday. I think he’s finally 21 and can legally get drunk before pissing on your local non-denominational place of worship. Just a few weekends ago the Junkyard Dog and I got into a confrontation with a chair. I know what you’re thinking – that sounds ridiculous. And actually it’s not what really happened. Actually we kicked that chairs fucking ass!
See Finnegan was walking into the kitchen and the chair bumped into him – or he bumped into the chair. I don’t really remember exactly what happened it was such a blur. I mean when shit goes down you don’t have time to sit there and take notes – you act or your good friend might be on the losing end of a fight with a chair. It would be a different story if we were on the Real World and there was a camera guy following us around. Of course we would probably have to wait for the “The S@&* They Should Have Shown” special after the season was over to even see the footage again, but that’s another story.
So anyway, I know Finnegan is ready to go at this son of a bitch and there’s going to be trouble. One thing I learned in my 4 years in Albany is that you don’t fucking fuck with Mike Finnegan without him fucking fucking with you back! So I jumped that chair before it knew what was happening. I leapt across the room and took the chair down like it was being protected by the Jets offensive line.
I wish I had it on video tape. I haven’t moved that fast in the last 3 years. I must have looked like a cat for a moment. Sure I would make a fairly large odd looking cat with a bad facial hair but that doesn’t matter. The point is I acted and that chair got knocked the fuck out! I started in on the chair and didn’t let up. I held the chair down from behind and Finnegan kicked it right in its worthless chair stomach – or at least where I imagine a chair’s stomach would be located. (I’m no chairologist nor do I pretend to be – that would be irresponsible as well as disrespectful to real chairologists.)
So after what felt like 2 seconds of unadulterated violence I was pulled off the chair by a couple of my friends who didn’t want to see things go to. far. (I don’t know how much further you can go after you’ve attacked a chair, but that’s all hindsight now.) Actually it was probably closer to 15 minutes of ass kicking – time flies when you’re dominating a chair the way I was right then. In reality I probably blacked out the way Charles Bronson does when he maliciously attacks strangers just because he thinks they might have a problem with coonskin caps.
So what’s the moral of this story? (Besides the obvious: Don’t fuck with Charles Bronson) Mike Finnegan is a man and you do not bother a man when he is walking towards a kitchen. Heck, you shouldn’t mess with Finnegan when he’s walking towards an anything! Why? Because he has friends who will attack you with the ferocity of an angry tiger with a bad attitude. I’m not the first and I certainly won’t be the last but I hereby pledge my undying, unwavering alliance to Mike Finnegan - a true friend who celebrates his birthday today much to the chagrin of his parents who never want little Mike to grow up. Anyway, Happy Birthday Finnegan you crazy son of a bitch. I know this can’t possibly be up to par with the time I wrote in the school newspaper that you were the World’s Best Friend, but because it’s your birthday I tried to come close.