Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Holiday Party Etiquette Part 2: The Perfect Alibi

Continuing where I left off, here are the rest of’s holiday party suggestions that will help you behave at your office party. Following them are my awful suggestions that will probably get you a harassment suit or a good old fashioned slap in the face followed by being escorted out of the building by security.

Monster Tip 5: If you've been a star performer in your organization this year, you may be honored with a toast. Accept the honor gracefully, but don't drink to yourself or clap when others are applauding you. Also, make a toast to the person who toasted you, thanking him for the recognition.
Let’s just get this out there: you aren’t being honored. I’m sorry, that’s just the way it is. You suck. That’s life. Bubba, you’re middle-management and nobody honors middle-management. Hell, if you’re reading this, you probably don’t even have a job. You’re probably somebody I went to college or maybe high school with and if you think nobody gives a shit about middle-management, then you know damn well that even less people care about you. The closest you’re coming to having someone toast you is throwing down the 4th 10 for a jump-in-social during a game of Asshole.

Monster Tip 6: Pay attention to the time you arrive and when you leave. Even if you don't really want to attend, avoid arriving 20 minutes before the end just to make an appearance. On the flip side, don't party into the wee hours either. Coworkers and managers will notice both errors in judgment.

Jesus Christ, is a fucking wet blanket. Snorting coke off a letter opener and banging a drunk coworker while she’s bent over the boss’ desk out of the question too? They did get one thing right – pay attention to the time you arrive and when you leave. If you’re going to murder your spouse the office holiday party is the perfect place to go for an alibi. If you’ve seen one episode of Law and Order you’ve seen them all and if you’ve seen them all you know that an air tight alibi is the only thing standing between you and an unhappy Jack McCoy. Just remember, if you have to kill a coworker, make sure you don’t get into a heated exchange during the holiday party – this is what leads police to motive and you don’t want motive if you want to waste a coworker and get away with it. For further explanation of this subject see TNT’s Drama in the Daytime.

Monster Tip 7: Be sure to thank those who coordinated the party. They likely put in a great deal of effort hoping you would have a good time. Not only is saying thank you the nice thing to do, but it also makes you stand out from the many employees who don't.

This is where Monster really contradicts itself. If you follow the rest of these tips to the “T” then you didn’t have a good time and let down the party planners. These people bought balloons and matching streamers, had to shop for all the snacks and booze, decorated the office. They put in a lot of work so you would have fun and you don’t even bother to get drunk, eat like a pig and make out with that girl from the mail room that has a lazy eye, but in all fairness, “a pretty nice ass?” How inconsiderate can one person be? Saying, “Gee, that was a super party. Thanks for the hard work,” is nice, but having sex in the handicap stall while the party planner uncomfortably uses the urinal explains how you feel in a way that words could never express.

Now that you know how to act at the party, (as Luda would say, “act a fool!”) it’s time to learn how to plan one of these little shindigs! Or box social if the mood is right.

Tip 1: Consider your employees' diversity. A Christmas party may alienate some staff. Promoting a holiday party is more inclusive.

I know what you’re thinking, Ron Burgundy, and no; diversity is not an old wooden ship. Before I go on, let me point out that Anchorman is the new Austin Powers and Austin Powers was the next Wayne’s World so you have to wonder – what the fuck ever happened to Mike Myers? Since Goldmember in 2002 he’s filmed four Shrek related projects (working on the 3rd full length as I type) and starred in the The Cat in the Hat. If you need a frame of reference for how long ago that was, Tom Cruise was still normal as far as we knew, Britney Spears was still kind of hot and not married with children to some scumbag wannabe “rapper” who looks like they just can’t get over the fact that they didn’t make the band, and Will Ferrell was still on SNL waiting to film a hit movie.

What the fuck did that have to do with diversity? I think Monster just doesn’t want you to exclude the Jews because they’ll be sad. And don’t exclude the other religions because they’ll hijack something and we’ll have to bomb the shit out of them. Messing with diversity is a no-no, just like messing with Texas.

Tip 2: Is a daytime or evening party more convenient for attendees? For employees with children, arranging child care for an evening event may be an issue. If you plan a party during office hours, however, make sure everyone can attend.

Okay, if you can name one thing better than getting smashed on the clock, I’ll give you a shiny quarter and a kick in the nuts for talking crazy. As for making sure everybody can attend, fuck that. Some people suck, which brings us to:

Tip 3: Clearly convey to employees who is invited to the party. If spouses or children are not included, make that clear.

You have to make sure that none of the losers in the office show up because that would really suck. As for spouses, you don’t want certain people there. Say you’re having a party and Katie Holmes and Beyonce’ both work in your office. You want to be very careful that Katie isn’t invited at all because she’s been brainwashed by a maniac who will just bring the party down. On the other hand you do want to invite Beyonce’ because if you’ve ever seen a Jay-Z video you know that, Jigga knows how to party. Also, you should get the feeling that Jay-Z knows some shady characters who could do you real harm if you don’t treat Beyonce’ really well.

Tip 4: Plan an event that reflects well on the company. Choose an appropriate location, control the alcohol flow and take your employees' interests into consideration.

I suggest a casino or strip club. Both places monitor the amount of alcohol you consume and are full of employees looking out for the customers’ interests and either place is a great venue for higher ups to show reciprocal generosity and feel the need to one up the people who make so much less than they do. You buy your boss a beer; he buys you a lap dance. You buy your boss a lap dance; he buys you a private show. You buy your boss a private show; he throws in the extra C-note so you get a happy ending. If this doesn’t get the company name out there, nothing will.

There you have it. Now you know how to throw the best holiday party the Tri-county region has ever seen and also how to party in a way that gets your boss to say “Hey, who is that guy!?” Enjoy and don't forget the cover up is just as imporant as the murder!

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