Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Office Holiday Etiquette Part 1: Getting Some

The holiday season is upon us and that means it’s time to fucking party, right!? You’re God damn right it’s time to party! Time to get television-throwing, arms-in-the-air-because-Limp Bizkit-is-on-the-radio, balloon-tied-to-the-mailbox fucked up! And what better place to do that than your office Christmas party? According to Monster.com, any place.
A few weeks ago I signed up for Monster in hopes to land a job that pays enough so that I can have dinner 4 or more nights a week. Since I signed up I haven’t gotten any job offers contrary to what the advertisements lead me to believe - but they have been sending me helpful little hints about how to get a job and how to keep a job if by some wild set of circumstances I actually land one where I have to shoulder actual responsibility.
Anyway, back to the point of this passage, Monster sent me some tips for how to act at the holiday party. Kind of putting the cart before the horse I think. In my opinion a job seeking website should be sending tips on where and how to get jobs before they start telling you what the perfect baked good to help land that promotion is. Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed the tips, but I would tweak these tips just a bit. If you follow my improved guidelines not only will you be a more popular employee but you are sure to leave an imprint in the souls of your coworkers much like that awful Christian poster that shows the footprints in the sand and has a positive message. To use the parlance of our times: “You do this stuff - ain’t nobody gonna forget you, kid!”

Monster Tip 1: Eat, drink and be merry -- in moderation. Where else but the office party can you find the CEO and the mailroom clerk bellied up to the bar together? Beware of the spiked eggnog, though. Alcohol plus you and your boss can equal Monday morning's "I can't believe I said that." If you choose to drink, do so minimally.

Sounds like a good idea right? One problem with that: Open bar, dude! As someone who likes to drink and enjoys a tasty Heineken or two I can tell you that “Free Spirits” are two of the most beautiful words in the English language when you put them together. A 6er of Heineken runs you about 8 bucks. If you have the opportunity to get hooked up to this dreamy green I.V. – do it! Get krunk! Look, your boss makes cash-money. He can afford to pass up free booze. You make 12,000 a year, you don’t have the option.

Monster Tip 2: Dress appropriately for the occasion. Klinkenberg says this rule especially applies to women who sometimes use company parties to strut their stuff. Leave anything short, tight or revealing in the closet. You've worked hard to create a professional image, and revealing clothes can alter your coworkers' and manager's perception of you as a competent professional.

Look, I don’t know who this Klinkenberg character is, but he sounds like a fag. I say, if you’ve got it – flaunt it! I know I do. Nobody’s going to stop me from wearing that little red dress that I keep in my closet for special occasions. Not you. Not Klinkenberg. Not anybody! You’ve been working your ass off at this dead end job for (insert tenure here) years now and 8 hours a day, 5 days a week (except Friday – everybody bounces early Friday) you look the part of a professional. Sex sells and that’s a fact. If Monster.com where giving you advice on how to get a date on MTV, you would most certainly be NEXT-ed and I’m not getting NEXT-ed. Not for you, not for Monster.com, not for anybody!

Monster Tip 3: Your company party may be the only time you see the president, CEO or VPs in person. Introduce yourself. This is a great opportunity to become visible to your organization's higher-ups. At the very least, don't spend the entire evening with your regular office buddies. Get in the holiday spirit and mingle with people from other departments.

Have you ever seen a sitcom? Everyone already knows this stuff. What else is Monster going to have to tell me? If I have to pee, go to the bathroom? Jesus, give me something I can use! The Christmas party is the perfect time to get with the boss’s daughter! You don’t get to interact with that fine piece ass everyday – take advantage of the opportunity of it and her. Haven’t you ever seen My Boss’s Daughter? Me either but I’m sure everything works out for Kootch in the end – why wouldn’t it for you? As for mingling with people from other departments, that works too. Other departments are a great source for hook-up material – especially since you don’t see them every day. The key is to never hook up with anyone who uses the same bathroom as you – that would be embarrassing.

Monster Tip 4: Find out who can come to the event. Spouses and significant others are not always on the guest list. Check beforehand to avoid a potentially uncomfortable evening.

This is one of the few tips I agree with. Listen to Monster – I had to find this one out the hard way. A few years ago when I was a temp at a prestigious advertising agency - which I can’t name here because of a pending lawsuit - I brought my now-deceased pet monkey, a now-deceased hooker and my grandmother to the Christmas party. Anyway, I’d only been working at the agency for a couple of weeks when the party came up and I just assumed it was “come one come all.” Long story short, Tip 1 and Tip 4 are closely related and my grandmother can attest to that. She’s now on death row and those PETA members outside the prison aren’t protesting in favor of clemency.

Coming tomorrow…
Holiday Party Etiquette Part 2: The Perfect Alibi

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