Thursday, December 15, 2005

Zathura Sucks!....I think...

The first time you hear this title you probably think that it’s Zach Braff’s newest production company. You know, like it was his Dungeons and Dragons nickname in his gay uncle’s basement or something. Unfortunately, it isn’t.

This movie looks awful. Here are some impressions from the great ads I saw on TV this weekend -
Jumanji 2: Electric Bugaloo
Jumanji 2005: A Space Travesty
Jumanji in Space
I Didn’t See Jumanji and I’m Not Going to See This Piece of Shit

Dax Sheppard stars instead of Robin Williams. Talk about Star Power! From one of the most talented actors of all time to a guy who rode Ashton Kutcher's coattails to "stardom." What was Wilmer Valderama too busy gracing the cover of STAR magazine and trying to nail every second rate "starlet" in Hollywood? (Watch out Dakota Fanning - you're probably next)

Did I mention Jon Farveau is directing? I have absolutely no problem with Jon Farveau, so I won’t say anything about that. He’s money.

Anyway, this movie looks like a piece of... Did I mention Dax Sheppard stars? I've got 20 bucks that says this movie becomes part of an all out bidding war between USA and TBS that only ends when USA gives TBS Bring It On 2 and the rights to an as yet un-named awful film. Within 3 years Dax Sheppard will be sleeping on the couch at USA headquarters with 25 cents being deposited directly into Credit/Debit account every time this atrocity airs and helps me fall asleep every lazy weekend afternoon for the rest of my life.

Anyway, I think I hate this movie but I’ll never be sure because I won’t watch it. Not that that means anything. I always said I wouldn’t watch Titanic, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t break down and cry like a little bitch when I finally did see it. I just assume that Zathura will make me cry the way that Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid did. Stay Black!


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