Wednesday, January 24, 2007

E-mails from the Future

I went to log into this blog (or should I say 'blog in?' ha ha) and couldn't remember my password (or username for that matter) so I had to do the standard recovery thing and had the name and password reset link sent to an old email address. That was a pretty long sentence. Any who... I went to what is now basically a defunct (sic) e-mail address and found the mail I was looking for. Since I immediately went from the blog page to the yahoo site, I was surprised to see that it wasn't the top e-mail in the inbox. In a span of 30 seconds (if that) 7 e-mails reached me. That's pretty astounding since I don't use that address for anything. Of course I'm used to logging in to that name every now and again to recover some sort of password and the spam has just built up to an extraordinary amount - 1341 bulk, 1187 inbox. I was a little surprised at the pure volume of this shit, but those top 7 e-mails I mentioned are what really blew my mind. They are from the future. I'm not talking "JC Penny is having a sale next week!" future. I'm talking years from now. So I'm going to open these e-mails and let you know what my future holds. An important note is that none of these e-mails are "Wow, here are some wedding pictures!" or "I can't believe you killed that drifter! Who are you, Neil Diamond?" messages. I don't think I'm going to find out any juicy details from an old e-mail account, but I don't know if many people expect that, so I won't be too disappointed. I'll walk you through my thoughts as I open them. Here goes:

Sender: Subject: Date:
Jenny : Wanna hook up tonight? : Thu Aug 30, 2012

Okay, wow. First thoughts here: I have a girlfriend named Lauren who I love alot. I was kind of hoping this relationship would go a long way. So obviously, this e-mail is giving me mixed feelings right off the bat. Who is Jenny? What happened to Lauren? I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together! Did something happen to her? Was it a sting ray? (Topical I know) Did she leave me? Wait. Calm down, old man. Collect yourself. You don't know that you and Lauren aren't together. Hell, by 2012 you two could have a baby. Chin up, man! You’re a married man. And a father! And you’re still desired by tasty young dishes such as Jenny. Oh shit. What if Lauren sees this? I’m dead. What am I doing wasting my time e-mailing some dumb slut who doesn’t know how to be more discreet than using “Wanna hook up tonight?” as a subject?


Sender: Subject: Date:
Market Research : Cigarette Survey - $100 just for voting : Mon Oct 26 and Fri Oct 30, 2037

Interesting. Apparently in the future, I’m a smoker. What does that say about the effectiveness of those TRUTH campaigns? Come to think of it, I hate those commercials. Maybe I started smoking out of spite. That’s pretty fucking intense. I guess that does seem like something I would do though. I’d like to put a bunch of smiley face stickers on the cars of everyone involved in that bullshit, to represent the happiness that smoking brings to some people. Maybe in the ‘30’s I’ll start my own truth campaign.
“Every day smoking makes millions of Americans happy.”
“Nearly 100 percent of those Americans who do smoke know that it is bad for you, but do it anyway.”
“No (non-prison) rape in history has ever been blamed on cigarettes.”*
“Every dollar I spend on cigarettes is a dollar less I can spend on booze, which also kills you slowly, but hasn’t been cast as evil since prohibition.”
“You have a problem with my cigarette? Well, FUCK YOU.”
And it would be hypocritical for me not to be a smoker if I was running a truth campaign.

*That one is still pending research, but I’m ready to stand behind it.

Sender: Subject: Date:
Giftcard Department : ALERT: Your $500 Home Depot Giftcard : Fri Nov 20, 2037

This has got to do with the Bush administration. I’m pretty sure he covered this in the last State of the Union. Probably what Michael Brown should have been in charge of instead of FEMA. (“You’re doing a good job [with those gift certificates], Brownie.” Sounds a lot better in that context, doesn’t it?) Anyway, I wonder why the Home Depot is giving me $500 bucks? Sure would have be nice to get that back in 2035 when I was redoing my gazebo. Assholes. Of course, since I’m getting the gift card now, in the present, -or the past of my future, as it were – I can use this card when I’m working on my gazebo in 28 years. But will they accept a gift card from the future? I might be fucking with the time space continuum here. Why is my hand becoming transparent? Sure, I’m smart and level-headed enough to deal with the mind-blowing reality of e-mails from the future, but can some dimwitted Home Depot employee possibly comprehend that I’m trying to use a card that hasn’t even been produced yet? It’s probably way too much for them to handle. Maybe I’ll just leave this e-mail until 2038 and finally get to work on my barn. (Yes, I have a barn. It’s nearly 2038 – everyone has a barn.)

Sender: Subject: Date:
HomeDept : Home Depot Voucher Winner : Fri Dec 31, 2037

Happy New Year! I must own some sort of contracting business. That’s the only way to understand why Home Depot would be throwing a grand at me in a time span of a little over a month. Of course by then I’ll be 55 and my two sons will be more than capable of handling the workload without my hands on approach to the business. Not to mention all the migrant workers we’ll have in our employ. I probably just can’t walk away. It’s a midlife thing. (Yes, I plan on living to 110.) I guess I’ll just leave this one with the other card.

Sender: Subject: Date:
Associate #KB3948 : Mac Book Pro : Fri Jan 08, 2038

Fuck those pretentious dick heads. I drive a PC. Of course, by 2038, Apple and Nike have probably branded everything possible, so I guess I better get used to the kid from Accepted knowing what’s really up. Shit. I love being able to right click. Apparently, nothing changes in the future in that no one I actually know e-mails me. Just a bunch of spammers. This is fucking depressing. Oh well, at least I know someone cares enough to spam me. And isn’t that the kind of connection everyone is searching for?

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Quick thoughts on The Bad Girls Club

Tuesdays at...well, basically all day, every day... you can watch a great show called The Bad Girls Club. Is it wrong that I watch so much Oxygen? OH! I don't think so. There are some of the dumbest girls ever on this show and... I wish I could say they were the hottest too, but they are not. Luckily they make up for their lack of looks with an abundance of screaming, yelling, hitting, drinking and all around whoring. Personally, I think they should show the clip of this crazy bitch Ripsi beating girls every episode. The show is great. I hope you start to watch and enjoy this show in all it's...um, glory? Anyway, just thought I'd put that out there.